THE HISTORY OF THE SCOTTISH KILT. (as related to David Fox)

The first clothing that the Scots wore was made from animal skins. It must have been very itchy, smelly and the home of many creepy crawly creatures. This all started to change when the Vikings started visiting Scotland. They brought with them the art of weaving which was quickly adapted by the Scots.

The first woven clothing that they produced was from sheep wool, normally from sheep belonging to some neighbour or other. The result was a long dirty brown cloak about eight meters in length, which was just wrapped around their bodies. As can be imagined it was cumbersome, heavy and probably home to as many creepy crawly creatures as the original skins had been. Although nice and warm it had one very big disadvantage, with it being as long as it was it made it very difficult to fight in, a form of entertainment that the Scots seemed to spend most of their time doing.

This problem was solved very simply, when they went into battle they took their cloak off and fought naked. This in turn caused considerable consternation in the English ranks, when charged by five hundred or so hairy naked Scotsmen most of the English soldiers averted their eyes or put their hands over their eyes in embarrassment, with predictable results when the two sides met. On many occasions the English sent messages to the Scots requested that they use some decorum when fighting and appear correctly dressed. Needless to say the Scots took no notice of this request and continued to fight naked.

The English were at a quandary, many of their soldiers refusing to fight against the Scots, until one day an English General came up with an idea. He sent his troops in the hovels of London and rounded up several hundred ladies of ill repute. These he placed one between each soldier in the lines of the English. The Scots had no idea of their presence and when they charged in all their naked glory they were greeted by a hoard of harpies laughing and shouting out rude comments about the attributes of the various members of the Scottish army. The Scots were so embarrassed that they turned around and ran back over the hill to get dressed. This was the last time that the Scots ever fought naked. As a compromise though, they started to wear a kilt which covered them from their tummy buttons to their knees,

At first all kilts were made from the same material that the long cloaks had been, a dirty brown length of woven wool. This in turn had certain disadvantages when they had inter Clan fights, in that it was difficult to tell friend from foe. Some enterprising Scottish Laird took advantage of the confusion and wove into the kilts of his Clansmen a few threads of coloured wool. Other Clans quickly cottoned on to the idea and before one knew it each Clan had its own distinctive coloured Kilt.

Today there are hundreds of different kilt patterns to choose from and if you feel like it you can design your own kilt, there seems to be no controlling body who administers who can wear what. When the English Monarch on the throne is a Queen, many Scotsmen wear undergarments, but when the Monarch is a King no undergarments are worn. If you ask a certain Scottish Laird what is worn under his kilt he will reply that nothing is worn, everything is in perfect working order.

HADRIANS WALL.

When the Roman Emperor Hadrian visited Britannia in 122 AD he ordered that a wall should be built as a boundary between Britannia and Scotland in an effort to keep the Picts and Scots out of Roman Britain. He ordered Aulius Platirius Nepost the Governor of Britannia to build the wall as soon as possible.

Nepost fancied himself as a future Emperor and had built an assembly hall, at the one end of which was a raised dais and his chair. He immediately called a meeting of his regional Governors and his tailor. On the day of the meeting his scribe was stood just behind him waiting to write down all his orders, whilst the regional Governors and the tailor waited outside in the reception room. Much to the surprise of the Scribe, Nepost requested that he call in his tailor first. Nepost rose from his chair and met the tailor half way across the room, Nepost with a mighty blow to the ear of the tailor sent him down to the floor. “Wretch”, screamed Nepost, “do you call this a Toga that I am wearing ?  The hem does not stay parallel with the floor and the arm hole is all wrong, make me another”. “Yes sir,” said the tailor staggering to his feet, whereupon Nepost fetched him another blow to the other ear which flattened the poor tailor again.

As Nepost sat down again he scratched his head and realized that he was not wearing his crown of laurel leaves that he had awarded to himself. “Scribe, where is my Page and my laurel leaves, fetch them”. A few moments later the scribe led in a very worried looking and shaking Page, “Well” roared Nepost” at the shaking Page, “were is my laurel leaf crown” ? “Sir” explained the terrified Page“, “I put it down on the kitchen table and one of the farm pigs wandered in, as they often do, and he ate it”.

Nepost said “Scribe, call me the captain of my personal guard, tell him to catch the pig, string him up by his front legs and give him twenty lashes with the birch rod, That will teach him not to eat my crown, and whilst he is at it, give this wretched Page twenty lashes as well”. A few minutes later between the swishing of the birch rod, it was difficult to tell the difference between the squeals of the pig and the screams of the Page.

Nepost thought that he had all the attributes to become a great Emperor.

As soon as the regional Governors were assembled he told them that he would be building a wall between Britannia and the Picts and Scots. He instructed each Governor to provide him with one thousand Auxiliary troops, to be ready the following week. He informed them that he, together with the 2nd, the 6th and 20th Legions, would march north with the Auxiliaries whom he would collect along the way.

The army duly marched forth, led by Nepost dressing in all his finery, followed by the three bearers of the Legions Eagles, followed by the band of the 6^th, then the ranks of Roman soldiers. Marching the length of  Wattling Street, the main north south highway at the time, they reached York where they assembled the Auxiliary troops into cohorts. Nepost realized that as the next stage, up through north Yorkshire and Durham, would be very dangerous, he called the captain of his guard into his tent, and told him that as from tomorrow the captain would lead the army dressed in Nepost’s clothes, whilst he would ride along at the back of the column with the Auxiliary troops. Nepost knew that the officer leading the army would be a prime target for any ambush.

Two days after entering Durham, near Hexham whilst passing through the Tyne Gap, they were ambushed by a small force of Picts who vanished up the hills as soon as they had thrown their javelins. Casualties were light, but one of them was the captain of the guard who had three javelins stuck in his chest and who suffered some discomfort before he died.

The next morning as they arrived at the crest of the hill where the wall was to be built, Nepost’s jaw fell open as he surveyed a great wall that stretched into the far distance. Sat on the wall with their feet dangling over the edge were four dirty looking Picts who waved at the Roman army? Calling up his interpreter Nepost told him to find out who they were and what they were doing sat on the wall that he was going to build. After speaking to the Picts in Celtic, he reported back that they were the guardians of The Great Wall of Scotland, or the Picts Wall as some called it, and that they had built it to keep the British out of Scotland. (There are historians today who believe that the wall was built by the Scots and Picts just for this very reason.)

Nepost had only received just over three thousand Auxiliary troops, but thought that they would be able to storm the wall only held by four Picts. He had already decided to pull down a section of the wall and build a custom post there. Calling the Auxiliary troops into line he ordered them to advance. No sooner had they started to march forward than a horn the other side of the wall was blown and much to Nepost’s horror, and even greater horror by the Auxiliaries, the wall was suddenly packed with over four thousand Picts and Scots all shouting rude comments at the Romans. The Auxiliary force came to an abrupt halt and started to retire towards York.

Nepost realizing that the cost in Roman lives did not warrant storming such a strongly held post, he too retired southwards. He had the last laugh however, he realized that as the Celts had no written language, his scribes could claim that he had built the wall and it could be called Hadrian’s Wall, and in a few generations no one would know any better.

David Fox

Yonks ago – a colloquial for a long, long time ago – the Scots and Picts wore wild animal skins with a thick leather belt around their waist  known as a belt.
 
The belt served a multitude of purposes, one could tie to it small 
 amounts of food in leather bags, a bag with a flint and piece of iron in 
 to make fire, in fact anything that they wished to take with them.
 
Once the Vikings had taught the Scots the secrets of weaving and they 
 had started to envelop themselves in the eight foot long belted plaid, 
 the belt still survived. The Kilt came into vogue in the early 1600′s, 
 but it was worn still with a belt.
 
Things started to change in 1618 when a very effeminate relation of the =
 Gordon Clan of Gordonstoun, known as Angus the Gay Gordon, decided to =
 design a purse to carry all the bits and pieces that were currently attached to the belt. As the Scottish Gaelic for purse is Sporran, they became known as Sporrans.

To start with Angus fastened his Sporran to his left wrist with a piece of 
 sinew from the hind leg of a stag, but this caused so much ridicule from
 the Clansmen that he tied it to his belt. The idea took off and soon the 
 whole Clan were wearing Sporrans. The Sporran was very useful when the 
 Clansmen were raiding England. They could cram nine Bannock Cakes into 
 to start off with, then when they reached Kendal they threw away the 
 Bannock Cakes and put in one and a half slices of Kendal fruit cake. 
 This lasted them until they reached Yorkshire where they could gorge 
 themselves on Yorkshire pudding and thick gravy. Many historians believe 
 that the only reason they raided into England was to be able to eat 
 Yorkshire pudding. Before being chased back across the border they all 
 took care to fill their Sporrans with several slices of Yorkshire 
 pudding which was then filled up with thick gravy.
 
Eventually it became to be worn at the front of the kilt where it gave
some protection from the sharp spears and swords of the English 
 soldiers. When running away in a battle it could be slid round to the
 left hip which made running away from the English easier and more 
 comfortable. Over the years several other reasons for wearing it in the 
 front have been recorded. It makes it less embarrassing when a Scottish
 man in a kilt sits down with his legs open, and there have been reported 
 cases where it has assisted shy Scottish men from the attentions of 
 young amorous Scottish Lassies trying to see what they are wearing under
 their kilts.
 
A large variety of trimmings and dangly bits have been used over the 
 years to adorn Sporrans, so much so that the authorities began to be
 concerned that some rare species of animals would vanish from the

Scottish landscape altogether. In 2007 the Scottish Executive stated
 that certain animals were not allowed to be used in the production of 

 Sporrans, listing over 100 protected species. Included were the Siberian 
 Snow Leopard, the Bengal tiger, the African Giraffe and the Himalayan 
 Yeti.
 
Today most of the trimmings come from road kill.
 
Angus the Gay Gordon has had a number of effeminate relations who 
 followed him over the years, and in 1703 Hector the Gay Gordon invented 
 the well known Gay Gordon dance which is still preformed today.

 David Fox

For some unknown reason Scotland is not only famous for the inventions   that it has produced but also for the large number of “sayings” that are used throughout the world today.

One of the most fascinating originated as follows.

On a very cold wet day in January 1403 in the far north of Scotland, Lady Fiona wife of the Earl of ****** ( As the family is still very much existence I will not give their family name ), was about to give birth. It was her first child and she was a little apprehensive of what was going to happen despite all the good advice from the other wives and the various male staff in the castle.

When the child started to enter this world Lady Fiona started to scream and scream and scream. Not at all what the young lady was expecting. The screams soon brought all the inhabitants of the castle into her chamber to offer advice, but to no avail. The screaming still carried on. Amidst all the noise the Laird sat quietly in a corner of the room reading an illustrated pornographic book written by one of the monks in the nearby Abbey. On several occasions he wondered if he should go and show some of the pictures to his wife, but considered that in the circumstances she would probably not appreciate them.

Amongst those in the room was Jock the castle piper. In an effort to drowned out the screams he started to play as loud as he could. This annoyed Lady Fiona immensely and amidst the screams she shouted out, with some very profane Gaelic Oaths, to cut the noise off immediately. In the room was the Captain of the Castle Guard, who with all the other men were enjoying staring at a naked Lady Fiona.  The Captain heard her say cut the music off, so as he did not like Jock the Piper one little bit, but he did like Jocks wife, swung his battle axe and hit Jock on the back of the neck severing off his head. The Captain of the Castle guard immediately left the room to go and pay his condolences to Jocks widow.

Lady Fiona continued to scream and still there was no sign of the child being born. Someone in the room thought that it would be a good idea if they sent for Angus the Shepherd, he knew all about lambing and such like things. He eventually arrived half drunk smelling of sheep droppings – cheap whisky and other unpleasant odors.

Angus lent over the bed, pursed his lips and scratched his head, dislodging a number of lice in the process. Looking around the crowded room he spotted Will the butler who he called over. “Will I want you to help me” said Angus, “Right”, said Will, “what do you want me to do, sit on her belly and try and squash the little sod out ?”

At this two of the seamstresses fainted and two of the young maids both sworn never get themselves in the same predicament and decided to join a Nunnery.

“No”, said Angus, “go and get me those two large silver spoons that we took off the Vikings in their last raid”. 

When Will eventually returned and handed the two spoons to Angus, he gave them both a bit of a wipe on his kilt, then tying the two handles together with the concave side of the spoons facing each other he started to fish for the baby’s head. Eventually he gave a grunt and started to twist and pull. The baby’s head appeared – Lady Fiona screamed louder than ever – then the baby became stuck again. Twisting and pulling the spoons slipped, one going around the back of the baby’s head, the other over its face and into its mouth. This must have given the spoons more traction, because with a further heave the baby entered the world. The inhabitants of the room gave a cry of applause and the baby a cry of displeasure. Lady Fiona fainted.

As they were all congratulation Angus, Will remarked “Bet yon young’un will never want for anything being born with a silver spoon in his mouth”, which was the first time that the popular saying was used. 

When Lady Fiona came to, the Laird wandered over to her and after saying well done, easy wasn’t it, gave her the pornographic book he was reading. Lady Fiona took one look and threw it back at him as hard as she could, the Laird was heard to mention that women were odd creatures.

David Fox.

Each of the four Countries that make up the British Isles has their own emblems.

The Northern Irish have the Shamrock, which is very similar to a three leafed clover, but if you can find one with four leaves it is considered very lucky. On any day of the week in Ireland you will see Irishmen on their hands and knees in the clover fields trying to find a four leafed clover. There are an equal number of Irishmen sat a home gluing an extra leaf on to a normal three leafed clover to sell to unsuspecting tourists as genuine four leafed shamrocks.

The Welsh, being as confused as they are, have two emblems, the Leek and the Daffodil, the theory being that if they get hungry they can always eat the leek and admire the daffodil whilst doing so. It is however, not uncommon in some cottages in the rural areas to find a large vase of leeks in the sitting room and a steaming pot of daffodils being prepared for supper by a confused Welsh woman.

The English being far more refined than their neighbours, adopted the English Rose as their National Emblem. These were originally carried by most people to avoid the unpleasant smells of the unwashed Irish, Welsh and Scots. Even to this day in the City of London you will come across well dressed gentlemen wearing bowler hats, carrying a furled umbrella and with a rose in the lapel button hole of his suit, a tradition passed down over many generations. You will notice that many of these same gentlemen walk with their noses in the air to avoid having to smell any unwashed foreigners.

The Scots adapted as their Emblem the Scottish Thistle. This is one of the few plants that thrive in the harsh Scottish climate, but many historians believe that there may have been an ulterior motive behind the thistle being chosen as their emblem. For centuries Highlanders have been carrying thistle seed into England, Wales and Ireland and scattering this over the countryside, so much so that they are now one of the most prolific weeds in these Countries. It is thought that the reason for this action was to remind those living south of the border that the Scots were everywhere. In time the thistles spread across Europe and most of the rest of the world, and whilst in most countries of the world they are considered to be noxious plants to be weeded out and destroyed, in Scotland they are still venerated and protected.

There is only one recorded incident where the thistle was used in battle, or rather non battle as it turned out. In 1420 a large raiding force of rough Highlanders marched into England, on their way to Yorkshire and the land of the Yorkshire puddings which they were very fond of. They were met by an English army, made up mainly of foot soldiers just outside the walls of Hexham Castle, drawn up three deep in a line of about five hundred meters long. Each of the English soldiers had a bunch of roses tucked into his doublet just under his chin to ward off any unpleasant odors’ from the advancing Highlanders, many of whom had not had a bath recently. When the Highlanders were about a hundred meters away they all halted, and on the command from their Chieftain, they each pulled a large thistle from behind their backs, this they waved in the air, and at the same time shouted out as one, “Englishmen, we’re goin ta stick our thistles up your whistles”. This so unnerved the English soldiers who felt that it was very rude and uncalled for, that they all retreated into the safety behind the thick walls of Hexham Castle as fast as they could and so the battle never took place.

So the next time that you are clearing out some noxious weeds from your property and you cut down a Scottish thistle, just think you may be offending some Scottish feelings.

David Fox.

One of the best known Scottish Folk legends is that of the Headless Horseman.

Oddly enough, the Folk Legend of the Headless Horseman has very close connections with the Fort Nottingham Highland and Traditional Games. The Chairman of the games is Lorne Maclaine, The Maclaine of Lochbuie, who is the hereditary Chieftain of The Maclaine of Lochbuie Clan, and Lorne is a direct blood descendant of the Headless Horseman.

In 1500 much of the Southern portion of the isle of Mull belonged to two factions of the Maclaine Clan. Those of Lochbuie and those of Duart. In 1538 Ewen of the Little Head, decided, after much nagging from his wife, to dispose of his father, John Maclaine, and claim the castle of Mull. John Maclaine was not in good health and he called on the Duart Maclaines to help him in the struggle with his son. On a wet misty morning the two factions met at Glen Cainnir, Ewen with about fifty hairy and rather uncouth clansmen met about a hundred of his father’s men backed by a further hundred of the Duart Maclaine’s who were equally hairy and uncouth. Uttering unprintable Gaelic oaths the two sides fell upon each other with battle axes and claymores. The fight was going badly for Ewan’s outnumbered clansmen, but suddenly seeing the Duart Chieftain ahead of him Ewen drove his horse – whose name has been lost in the passage of time – straight at the Duart Chieftain. Slashing left and right as he forced his way towards the Duart Chieftain, Ewen forgot to look behind him, and an enemy clansman came up behind him with a very sharp axe, and with a single blow decapitated the unfortunate Ewen.

As Ewen’s head fell from his body into the heather, his body must have gone into some sort of spasm and his legs became locked around the horse’s belly. The horse must have thought that he was going to be next to beheaded, so he took off at a full gallop towards home with the luckless Ewen still upright in the saddle. The two feuding parties were so amazed at the sight that they stopped fighting. In any event the loss of Ewen’s head meant that it was very unlikely he would ever be Chieftain, so there was not a lot of point in carrying on the fight and it seem that leaving the field of battle without a head was a bad omen. The Duart faction returned to the East coast where they had their castle and the remainder of Ewen’s followers walked slowly back to Loch Squabhain where the late Ewen had his fortified Long House.

When the horse and the headless body arrived back at Loch Squabhain, his servants had a good look down his neck just to make sure that he did not have a head on. It was decided that the devil was at work and that the horse must be bewitched. They cured this assumption by cutting off the head of the unfortunate horse which did not please the horse very much. So both the Maclaine’s of Lochbuie and the Maclaine’s of Duart had two ghosts instead of just one.

Within a short time it was apparent that the ghost of Ewen and his horse were determined to let their presence known. Every time that a Maclaine Clansman heard ghostly hoof beats in the night, he or she, would know that they would shortly be dead. People in the district took to going to bed with their ears stuffed with sheep’s wool.

Even today, the story is still believed in the outlying areas of Mull. As Lorne Maclaine will tell you, just a few years ago he was talking to the wives of one of the crofters

on Mull, and she said that she had heard the Headless Horseman galloping past in the night and that she feared that she would soon be dead. She was correct in her

Assumption, as she died only four years later at 98. This just goes to prove that there is good reason to believe in the legend.

So, if you are in the Western Highlands of Scotland, and you hear a horse galloping past in the night, get as far down as you can under the bed clothes, pull them over your head and pretend that you did not hear the Headless Horseman. In any event it may be a good idea to make sure that your Will is up to date before visiting the Highlands.

,
David Fox.